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on the edge's Journal

Friday, July 11, 2003

12:28PM - Jamaica me crazy

I have decided that there is no reason for me to document my feelings because I don't understand them anyways.

I am in Jamaica.

Current mood: contemplative

Thursday, May 8, 2003

12:21PM

it has been so long since we have talked - maybe because things are exactly the same and i don't have anything to say.

Maybe that's it.

Current mood: blank

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

12:28PM - Jah Mon

Well, so we have like, 12 days left until we get our of school and less than a month until Graduation. money is becoming a huge problem.

John is so stupid...thirty or not, he's a fucking retard and i refuse to hang out with him anymore. I don't need his self-inflicted bullshit.

Have you ever felt like your time was almost up, you had messed up and now your time was almost over?
something is wrong with me - i have a very bad feeling. And when you voice this, the fear only increases.
Please, God. I hope not.

Current mood: weird

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

4:37PM

yeah- and i don't have a crush on a thirty year old boy anymore after our little sailing adventure. He's dumb.But one a better note-I have been drunk for 5 days now

i love you kirra june

Current mood: drunk

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

12:01AM - Which of the following things harm the enviroment: birds, insects, rain, pollution or wildlife

ok - so i had to take the GED today and all of the questions look about like that.

and i found a prom date, which IS kirra's ex but it will be fun and we will all have a crazy drunken blast. whee.

i don't feel like writing anymore - but i do have a crush on a 29 year old waiter i work with who has chicken legs and a reputation. it's not like i want a husband.

Current mood: busy

Monday, April 7, 2003

11:49PM - what what?

I don't even care anymore.

Life right now -
I do not have a prom date
I do have a job at the Crab Trap
I haven't had sex in FOREVER! (well, probably like a month)
I am not passing english and have to take the GED this weekend.


but more than anything - i do not have a prom date. fuck.
i may take...

Current mood: cranky

Thursday, April 3, 2003

12:25AM - I have to have this memorized by tomorrow...

so i figure if i type it, it will help.

Daddy


you do not do, you do not do
anymore, black shoe
in which i lived like a foot
for thirty years, poor and white
barely daring to breathe or achoo

daddy, I have had to kill you -
you died before I had time
marble heavy, bag full of God
Ghastly statue with one grey toe
big as a Frisco seal

And a head in the freakish Atlantic
where it pours green bean over blue
and the waters of the beautiful Nauset
I used to pray to recover you
Ich, du

In the German tongue, in the Polish town
scraped flat by rollers
of wars, wars, wars
But he name of the town was common
my Polack friend

Said that there were a dozen or two
SO i never could tell where you
put your foot, your root
I never could talk to you
the tongue stuck in my jaw

It Stuck in a barb wire snare
Ich, ich, ich, ich
I could barely talk
And i thought every german was you
an the language obscene

an engine, an engine
chuffing me off like a jew
a jew to Dachau, Auschwitz, Belsen
I began to talk like a jew
i think i may well be a jew

The snows of the Tyrol, the clear beer of Vienna
Are not very pure or true
with my gypsy ancestress and my wierd luck
and my Taroc pack and my Taroc pack
I may be a bit of a jew

I have always been scared of you
with your Luftwaffe and your gobbledygoo
and you neat mustache
and you Aryan eye, bright blue
Panzer man, Panzer man, O you

Not God but a swastika
so black no sky could squeak through
Every woman adores a fascist
a boot in the face, the brute
Brute heart of a brute like you

You stood at the blackboard, daddy
in the picture i have of you
A cleft in your chin instead of your foot
but no less a devil for that, no not
Any less the black man who

bit my pretty red in two
i was ten when they buried you
at twenty i tried to die
and get back, back, back to you
i thought event he bones would do

but they pulled me out of the sack
and they stuck me together with glue
and then i knew what to do
i made a model of you
a man in black with a Meinkamph look

and a love for the rack and the screw
and i said i do, i do
so, daddy, i'm finally through
the black telephones off at the root
the voices just can't worm through

if i've killed one man, i've killed two
the vampire who said he was you
and drank my blood for a ear
seven year, if you want to know
daddy, you can lie back now

There's a stake in your fat, black heart
and the villagers never liked you
they are dancing and stamping on you
they always knew it was you
daddy, daddy, you bastard, i'm through

fabulous sylvia...give me an A

Thursday, March 27, 2003

12:25PM - Just gimi tha light...

so, kirra and i keep talking about jamaica and i can't wait because i want a pretty jamaican boy and to be tan and drunk with passion i montego bay and we all play tennis. ian and brian and nolan are in trouble for weed in spain and may not get to graduate but i am sure that things will work out, they always do.

I have a big cruch on a big bone, but a lesbian likes him too. It's too bad that she doesn't know that she is a lesbian, but everyone else does.

kirra left a lot of weight off and she already seems better. i need money and a job and a boyfriend who i can call "bone" sometimes because i love him, or at least i dream that i do and want to settle down or at least i pray someday i will.

but for now, i will run around and play tennis, and boys and piano, and not really care what anyone thinks of me or what our kids will look like.

whatever - i am crazy.

Current mood: chipper

Monday, March 24, 2003

10:56PM

You know it's bad when you can't even express your feelings within the confines of words. The english language has an adjective, a synonym and an antonym for every feeling seemly express in the feeling race...except for what I am feeling right now.

A mixture of exultation, worry, anxiety, happiness, frustration, anger, confusion, excitement, envy, distrust, sadness, nostalgia, love, hate, infatuation...ect.

all coinciding together within my mind

i hate it

Current mood: complacent

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

8:25PM - Interesting - yet surprisingly accurate

half virgin half whore



You Are 1/2 Virgin, 1/2 Whore!


50-50, baby! Ah, you are fairly normal. You have sex, though to you it's not more exciting than a new designer outfit.

Secretly, you are a adventurous soul just waiting for someone to take control. Open up a little, and you'll show your guy the best sex ever.

There's nothing to be afraid of - except fainting from multiple orgasms!

You are great at kissing, getting yourself off, and using your hands.



What Do Girls Whisper Behind Your Back? Virgin or Whore Quiz Tells All!

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Monday, March 10, 2003

7:42PM - slut

i am a slut, a tramp, a whore.

i fucked the one guy that my best friend loves and enjoyed it. The one girl that has ALWAYS been loyal to me and i stabbed her in the back. i am going to shoot myself in the face.

It's strange that the most scandelous sex of my life was the best. That makes me hate myself.

Current mood: dirty

Friday, February 21, 2003

12:29AM

i hate you

Monday, February 10, 2003

11:41PM - here we go

Alright - now that I am no longer so stoned - i can actually talk

I have been thinking a lot lately about a lot of things

It makes me feel horrible to use people, even when i know that they are using me

the other day when I was at Tucker's I asked him about Rainey. He asked "what sort of gifted artistic thing i did at da" and i told him i sang. then, ale* came out of no where and was all "I sing too. and i was in gifted. Mrs Perry's class." then she proceeded to put her hand to her chest like a mentally retarded person.

first of all, i learned a lot in that class, bitch. and, you wanted to be in it but they couldn't find proof of you actually being gifted.

And i don't even care anymore what you think about me..i'll fuck him any time i want.

I have the biggest crush on one we'll call "dr. peppa'"

today, he smiled at me when i walked into class.
then he let me have his seat at lunch - i know that that doesn't mean anything, but still, it was nice

so cute

and remember belvedere?
ass
seriously, he is an asshole

lauren and i took tickets for all of the district soccer games last week. it was long hours and cold work, but we got to chill with bill the janitor and free hot chocolate and pizza.

plus, hot ass soccer player walking by all time

"You get the one on the right"

I love Lauren...and i wish that she didn't have to go through all of the shit she goes through. Poor baby.

Lauren's mom is out of town. I sleep here every night, or i say i do.
Last night, Jackie and I went to Lauren's house and watched Stephen King's "Carrie."
Was so freaked out by movie, decided to stay at Lauren's house. Ended up having to drive out to Yulee with Jackie because she forgot a shoe and while getting gas, Jackie dug in the car and found a nug. Which we smoked.

Stoned and happy, we arrive at lauren's house at 12:14, exactly, and Lana and Lauren are asleep. Lauren is sleeping in her mom's bed so jackie and i crawl into her bed and begin to read lauren's danielle steel harlequin novels. brings back memories.

so hard to go to school today.
jackie never even made it.

I really hope that the sex thing doesn't get out. it would just be weird. Jackie and Lauren sorta exposed too much to lana, but i doubt that she will tell. i hope not.

okay, so i still haven't really talked to amy in a few days. amy - you called saturday, but i didn't get your message on sunday until 10:30 at night and i was staying at lauren's house. try and call between 2:30 and 8:00 - i wanna hang out.

Coley is leaving Fernandina on monday, the 17th. Weird, Fernandina Beach without Coley. I never knew him all that well, but he has such a dynamic personality that he makes such an impression on a person.

Layton and Ryan are throwing him a going-away party at Layton's at house on Friday night so Jackie and Lauren and I are going. Sucks that 'they' all have to be there too.

This weekend, Jackie, Caroline day and I are driving to Ocala to go to a Rainbow Gathering and pray for peace. We are telling our parents that we are leaving Friday night, but we are really just going to coley's party and leaving the next morning - which will probably suck because we will be so fucked up, but it's only a two hour drive - like driving to jax and back

i am exited.
free love
free campin'
free food
free music
and free drugs

all i really need i life right now - we may do a certain drug for the ride there, to ease the hangover.

i don't know - drugs on car trips are scary - but then again, it is only two hours and we are not shootin' up

just a little maryjane...or something

Current mood: chipper

10:33PM - Thank you Jamacian Brandy

So - disregard that last entry

I knew that it would happen by the second we saw each other

And after a few bowl and a bottle of Jamacian brandy to ease the nerves we were rarin' to go.

so i fucked him

it's wierd - i have wanted to for so long

and yet - i am not as stoked about it as i thought
i mean, i don't really know how i feel
i sorta just wanted it to end

but it was nice to have sex again

really
really
really

nice.

Current mood: high

Saturday, February 8, 2003

7:36PM - HA HA

i have strep throat

well -went and hung out with him last night and no, nothing heppened...and it won't

such big plans, so little time left here
damn

amy - you should call me

i am so bored - going to boys basketball game to try and sduce virgin boy with muscular calves

maybe we'll go to BK party tonight...maybe

bye

Current mood: exanimate

Monday, February 3, 2003

5:45PM - Put ya thang down, flip it, and reverse it

have you ever seen office space?
that's how i feel everyday...

sex
sex
sex

(my thoughts of the day, must do something to rectify this immediately)

Current mood: horny

Thursday, January 30, 2003

11:55PM - 9:30, 10:00, 10:45..

That's when Shana came home tonight.

I told kira that I would babysit for Liam so that she could go to the Casulties show and Shana was an hour late - which i didn't really mind because i didn't really have anywhere to go...still. I love Liam.

I am tired though...two year olds.

Tomorrow is basketball homecoming and i am getting very drunk and loving every fucking second of it.

I think that Ozzy Osbourne is the funniest thing yet. But he shakes, probably from all the drugs.

Current mood: cranky

Wednesday, January 29, 2003

12:35AM - i miss you...

i have the flu.


and i miss adriana. everything is so confusing right now. i want to yell at alecia "STOP HATING ME!" but i can't and i want to do better but i won't. i have been very depressed lately. i miss adriana so much and i want to go out to louisiana and get her and bring her home and i am discouraged/confused about college and high school and boys and sex and love(ha!) and everything. i'm at one of those points in life that aren't bad, but things have stopped changing and i have so many ambitions that i feel like i am going to explode and never reach any of my goals. and i hate a lot of people at da...they were as fake as any fernandinan is...i just now realized it.

whatever - i have lost a bunch of weight (whee!)

and i want him again. sometimes, late at night, he comes and plagues my thought and dreams until i can't help but want.

want
want
want
want


until i burst. i want and desire. then i burst and cry. because he controls me in a way that i can't even understand

want
want
want

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but you couldn't possibly understand...you are only words.

Current mood: crushed

Saturday, January 18, 2003

6:11PM - there's always him

so - i am in tally now and so far, my mission has not been accomplished. hmm

Current mood: anxious

Friday, January 17, 2003

9:38PM - Emancipate yourself from mental slavery...

None but ourselves can free our minds

so...i want to have sex tonight. I am in tallahasee. I am about to be DRUNK....good night. cold as shit.

happy birthday scott. big 20

Current mood: horny

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